Monday, 19 November 2007


I have been severely bullied by my feisty blog mate – isi - into writing a follow-up to my unscientific poll which drew to an end today and, after inadvertently ‘lifting’ laspapi’s post and reposting it as I could not recollect where I had seen the write-up, and being reminded by isi in her usual forthright manner that it was laspapi’s, I succumbed to her demand (remind me to write something about strong-minded women some time).

The poll, unscientific as it was (because we only had eight respondents), confirmed something I innately knew: men can never be winners when it comes to trying to suss out women. By that, I mean, really understanding them. We can excite them, make them happy (even to attain this seemingly simple task, then have to ‘allow’ us), we certainly can make them cry, not much effort is needed from us to make them scornful, but to understand them, really understand them, appears to be an impossible task.

It therefore appears that God manufactured women with a factory defect – it is nigh impossible to understand them.

The poll asked a simple question which I will paraphrase:

Your female partner is in the wrong on this occasion. Do you:
Apologise to her for the sake of peace?
Apologise but still try to stress your point of view?
Don’t apologise and tell her where she’s gone wrong?
Wait for her to apologise?

Four people chose option 1 while the other four chose option 2. Obviously no one chose three and four. I don’t know how many female readers (as opposed to male ones) voted, however, I do know that the question cannot be more unambiguous – your female partner is wrong on this occasion!

Why, in the name of all that’s sweet and tender, are men expected to apologise, especially in this day and age of equality? Why must we always be the peace makers? And yes, I know we shall inherit the kingdom of God; what about God’s kingdom on earth? Someone please educate me.

Women - The Points System (Uknown)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make your woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

Simple duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow/rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, Then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-80)

Her birthday:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalised license plate GR8 N BED (-15)

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called Deathcop 3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort
to loose jeans and Baggy Hawaiian shirt (-30)
You say, "it doesn't matter, you have one, too." (-8000)

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-1) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

When she wants to talk about a problem You
listen, displaying what looks a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+1000)
She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-2000)


Thursday, 8 November 2007

Why Women Cry

A little boy asked his mother 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm a woman' she told him.
'I don't understand' he said.
His Mom just hugged him and said:
'And you never will.'

Later the little boy asked his father 'Why doesMother seem to cry for no reason?'
'All women cry for no reason' was all his dad couldsay.

The little boy grew up and became a man stillwondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the Phone he asked 'God, why do women cry so easily?'

God said:
'When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry theweight of the world yet gentle enough to give comfort
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth andthe rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep goingwhen everyone else gives up,
And take care of her family through sicknessand fatigue with out complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children underany and all circumstances,
even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband neverhurts his wife but sometimes tests her strengths
and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally' I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.'

'You see my son' said God 'the beauty of a woman isnot in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries
or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.'


Monday, 5 November 2007

Hole In My Pocket

At 8.15a.m today, I took my car in for its scheduled service and must confess I’d put it off for as long as I could because of the potentially astronomical cost. Of course, the only reason I service it at the manufacturer’s is the ability to maintain the car’s residual value – I can get the same level of service out there for £250. The ‘B’ service costs about £600.00, plus any incidentals which they discover and you authorise to be done.

I borrowed one of their cars and waited for the inevitable phone call which came at 10.30: “Mr O, we’ve looked at your car and found a couple of minor things”. Yes? 2 bulbs blown, brake fluid and gear oil recommended for replacement! How much? £35 for the bulbs, £65 for the brake fluid and £167 for the gear seal replacement, plus VAT at 17.5%, total = £313.72. No thanks, I said, I’ll get those bits done privately.

On the plus side, they lend you a new car, offer you free coffee and newspapers to take away, wash your car and leave another newspaper (The Evening Standard) in there, and are infinitely polite, but with service parts costing £80.00 and the cost of labour accounting for the balance, I have arrived at the conclusion that I want a car dealership of my own but I’m short of the readies.

Offers please.