Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Lagos Jumps

A couple of weeks ago, I flew (instead of walking, I suppose) into Lagos. I had given Laspapi, my initial host and pick-up, 14 hours notice to arrive on Saturday morning (I can tell you: he’s sick to the eye-teeth of me), which is not bad considering I gave myself about 16 hours notice.

‘Papi had called back to say “environmental! You have to be out of the airport by 6.30am so we can get home by 7”. I said: no problem, plane gets in
at 5.30, should be enough time. Not only did the plane not get in until 6am (I wanted to scream at the pilot to put his foot down, esisin nje tyre, and all that), my bag only came out at 6.45 and by the time we got to the car, it was 7.05. Too late! We stood in the car park having a coke and catching up, joined by one of Papi’s friends who was also waiting.

Eventually, we left at 10, got home, I had a shower and needed an immediate nap. During my last visit in April, ‘Papi had promised he would install A/C’s in his place as I complained of the heat. I dismissed him as Lagos mouth who always makes unfulfilled promises. To my surprise, he had fulfilled that promise, bless him, and split units were competing for space everywhere you looked, everywhere, wait for this!, except in the spare room where he usually shoves me. Did I say bless him?

I fell asleep and woke up with someone holding my nostrils blocked. I jerked up in a panic, Laspapi is trying to kill me in my sleep, exacting revenge for all those torturous years he thought I gave him while we were growing up. No, not him. It’s my ex choking me! How did she get into Papi’s house? She was screaming: “die, mother f*cker, die”, like a banshee. Oh my God! She finally got me! I came fully awake, not ready to give up without a fight. Oh…… It was the giant fan ‘Papi put in the room to help me sleep blowing dust into my nose. I forgot about Lagos dust and my nose was now blocked. No point in going back to sleep, especially as the picture of my ex had been so vivid.

In the evening, I made a few calls to London and Lagos, went to my favourite watering hole near ‘Papi’s house for Star and goat meat, and went to bed.

On Sunday, washed my car. Yep! I have an old banging BMW I keep at ‘Papi’s, attended my watering hole again, met up with old friend and Lagos big boy Gbemiga (not of the 419 ilk, this one works o… he heads some department in the biggest old generation bank), and decided to take in ‘Papi’s show called ‘Wedlock of the Gods’ at Terra Kulture. Jolly good show.
Monday, drove around, got dusty and dirty in my white shirt. Dapper fashion Rule no. 1 – never wear white in Lagos. I spoke on the phone to one of my favourite strong-minded people – Isi, while navigating Ikeja and hoping one of the myriad of uniformed officers called FRCN or Plasma or Mulatto will not arrest me - made a mental promise to invite myself for a drink with her and later got to see her picture in some mag – was it Genenieve? Not sure. Somehow, I did not get to invite myself.

Tuesday, drove towards Ibadan to buy odó for my pounded yam, yes o, it now graces my kitchen and it is full size, although I have not used it yet. I like my pounded yam, comes in second after bread.

Wednesday to Saturday, hibernated in a hotel room for peace (alone, for you people with wild imaginations) and in between took in Coliseum night club, Page, Extreme something or the other and, courtesy of Gbemiga, the Lagos Country Club, before returning to the land of no area boys.

27 comments:

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

I could not stop laughing about your blocked nose! Good thing your friend honored your request or rather demand for an A/c unit.

lol! makes me yearn to go to Lagos...

Onome said...

hahahahahahaha really "....die MF die....." ekun gbadun jare!!

Florida of Free Spirit said...

I laughed so much at the line where ur ex was supposedly choking u ... lol. Wetin u do d girl, talk true. now u know what they mean when they said that the evil men do live with them!!!!!

Isi said...

hehehehe! jinta, u sabi enjoy o! one week in lagos and u touched all the 'right' places. i envy u!

but wait o, what in the world did u do to ur ex? i want to know! ah jinta! for u to think a woman would want to kill u in ur sleep, u must have been up to some kain things. i shall be praying for u.

now, was it the lack of A/C that drove u to a hotel, or some other amusement? i choose to ignore that word- 'alone'. 'alone' could mean she had left before dusk. *wink *wink

and then there was our drink u didnt live up to. am still sulking!

anonymous gal said...

that blocked noise part has me laffin so loud. welcome to naija. anon gal chuckling and shaking head.

Isi said...

er... jinta dear, which one are u: the one with the smile or the one with frown?!

Jinta said...

@ solomon - Lagos rocks. Re my 'friend' and his a/c, here's a riddle: you can choose your friends...
@ onome - thank you jare
@ florida - would you believe it if I said I was fairly innocent?
@ isi - good question. I beg, keep praying for me. Will make up for the drink
The one with the smile, of course. After 2 days, I wasn't smiling anymore.
@ anon gal - thank you o, I need to recharge my batteries with vitamin e.

Jinta said...

Here's hoping vitamin e is what you get from the sun

Isi said...

Pls when you decide to ‘launch’ that odo (how did u manage to insert the ‘amin ede’ on that word by the way?) remember to fax my own.
My pounded yam comes fifth after rice, chicken, malt, eggs, and…more rice :-)

N.I.M.M.O said...

Bros, you mean you come dis town and you no even halla your teeming Lagos fans? Na only Isi dey Lagos?

Na waa o.

sulking big time

Isi said...

@nimmo: ah! i did not see him too nah. me sef dey sulk badly!
...and now he has gone quiet on me for days...jinta, where are u?!

ONdLOW said...

I don laugh tire at your ex choking you. My co-workers are wondering if Jesus told a joke.
BTW, what did you do to your ex, that warrants your early call into heaven.. or hell (as the case maybe).

Pele, at last u are still alive.
LMAO!

Jinta said...

@ isi - the information about the amin ede will cost you o. Hold down the right alt key to achieve it. I told you I was Engr. jinta

I will fax you poundo. Imagine an odó having a pride of place in a poppenghol kitchen, and you have a true work of art.

Sorry I have been quiet. Popped out of town for a couple of days.

@ n.i.m.m.o. - i doff my hat. Lagos no easy on life expectancy. As a matter of fact, I spoke to Catwalq as well, and I will make sure YOU invite me for Star when next time I'm around.

@ ondlow - i think I'm still alive o! I don beg am tire.

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

all that is good and fine but what did you bring for me?
odawyze, I know who I will use to plan for you when you return again

Jinta said...

Ah Catwalq, next time you're in these neck of the woods, I'll take you to eat iyan. Forgive a poor sinner.

Omosewa said...

Ahh you're enjoying o, i wish i could visit Naija for a week...
You should have bounced Laspapi from his room, if it had AC...lol@ur ex choking you, lol. Sounds like you had fun, i'm jealous!

laspapi said...

There'll be an A/C in that room when next you come...if you give me one month's notice.

If you don't, I'll be choking you.

@ solomonsy- jinta's my brother. I've tried to change this by deed poll and notary public, no success.

pamelastitch said...

ahhh, my imagination had already skipped several steps...

Oya, explain, why your girlfriend is visiting you in your dreams... kia, kia..

Queen of My Castle said...

G.I. first appeared on soldiers equipment during the civil war....as the initials of the company that produced the equipment. Later, it started to stand for Government issue or general issue depending on who you talk to, but the mark stopped appearing on soldiers gear. Now you just see U.S.

Jinta said...

@ sewa - i agree with you, but he's such a bully sometimes
@ papi - can i give you 4 months' notice from now? Yepa! Mo gbe! My enemies will be waiting to attack the plane now they know my itinerary
@ pammy - who said ex girlfriend? Ex wife, and one is more potent than all ex girlfriends put together.

Jinta said...

@ QomC - imagine something i had wanted to know for 10 years and you tell me in 10 mins. I know where to come next time.

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

They better have razz meat like pomo that they have da-a-d-lori-ru with pepper and lots of round about...and I better be so full, I cannot spell my name...

Jinta said...

@ cat - forget about spelling your name. You'll be so full, it'll be a job breathing.

Afrobabe said...

LMAO...so unna dey fear girls whose hearts u broke heh...

who is in d pic?

Ok got the answer,,lol


Please bring suya pepper for me...I dont care about being annon anymore...I need that pepper bad bad...

Jinta said...

@ afro - it was the other way round, only my heart refused to break, darn it, you know you girls can be much meaner than we can ever be.

As for your suya pepper, you're 2 weeks too late o. Next time, I will charter a bagful.

Afrobabe said...

Shit...already told my friend someone was bringing me suya pepper...hope u had fun.

Rayo said...

Haha I heard this one when I was younger...it's language.