Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Another One Bites The Dust

I attended a wedding quite by accident last November. I met, on the way to Lagos, a couple who were going for their sister’s wedding and had received an invite to which my initial inclination was to decline (I mean, the fella and his wife had my phone number in London so why was I being invited on the plane) and to which, for the sake of not wanting to appear churlish, I accepted.

And attended. The ceremony was well organised and it was an enjoyable experience. The bride seemed to enjoy herself and stepped around the hall in the dance of the happy. The groom seemed slightly bemused but happy all the same. I wish them happy married life until they reach 100 years of age…however, the wedding got me thinking about mine, and whether women especially concentrate more on the ceremony than keeping the marriage ‘alive’.

It seems to me that I stand guilty too of not thinking deeply about marital life before embarking on one. I thought it would be sex on demand (what man does not want that?), sweetness and fun, without any education (self-attained or otherwise) on how marriages work. My traditional introduction ceremony took place with a week’s notice when I decided to move to London since my ex-wife informed me that her parents would not let her join me without any formal recognition, and we returned to Nigeria for the engagement/marriage when she was pregnant, because her parents – church deacons – would not be happy about her giving birth outside of wedlock. Never mind that it is the deaconess who I now find imports jazz from Nigeria for my ex.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying I was dragged eyes wide shut to the alter – I certainly loved my ex and I gladly agreed because I knew it would make her happy.

My ex danced like she was going to drop in the church, a ceremony that lasted from 10 until almost 4 pm, even though we still had prayers at her house and a two hour journey back to Lagos. My father commented the following day that she was so happy because she had snagged me and my brother said something similar a few days later. I responded to both of them that she had said she was determined to enjoy her wedding day, which was true. It occurs to me now that she was not as determined to enjoy her marriage.

Marriage now fills me with trepidation because I realise that so many people will walk into mistakes. Unfortunately, about 40% of UK marriages are now breaking up and a large proportion of the remaining 60% are tumultuous. Darkelcee recently wrote an article about her fiancé liking original pounded and I was alarmed at the first comment which suggested the commentator’s husband had to put up with poundo, or nothing (I’m sure the comment was a joke). Relationships are hard work, marriages much harder and I think a lot of our parents fail in educating us properly about them, especially when we have many deaconesses who, rather than train their children, believe in the power of jazz to help keep their children’s spouses under control.

I will end on an upbeat tone. Many marriages will be happy ever after and I can see some examples on blogville: Oluwadee who critically examines every step she takes; Sherri, fiercely independent but with a heart of gold; Omosewa, whom someone once said to me will kill her husband with love (and who, by the way, has 'univited' me to her blog) and a few others.

92 comments:

Artsville said...

Hmmmmm, I am going to have to reread and reread before commenting cos my feminist antena is tanding right now.

Afrobabe said...

Heyyyyy I was meant to be first!!!

Artsville said...

Lol @afrobabe, thats why I quickly posted so I could beat you, now I can go write a proper comment and blast this Jinta.

THIRTY + said...

Top 5 not bad

THIRTY + said...

She (your Ex) prolly will have something to say about your side.

Anyway you nailed it "marriage is hard work".

Afrobabe said...

lol @ 30...I am sure his ex thinks he was the one who snagged her with his jazz....

life is fun innit bruv...

Omosewa stopped blogging and made it private, she hasn't added anything new...

Afrobabe said...

@ Artsville...so where is ur proper blasting comment???

I am first joh...

Jinta said...

~ artsville ~ i beg you, trim the feminist antenae. those who know me well will tell you i am delicate

~ afro ~ someone beat you to it. i will celebrate.

lol. my ex sure will think a lot of things about me, as she's well entitled to

~ 30+ ~ very hard work o

Funms-the rebirth said...

u couldnt have said it better.....it requires hardwork. From seeing my friends get married, what ive realised is most of them are so hyped over the day itself that they sometimes dont really realize that theres more to making it work. The problem with the alarming divorce rate on my opinion is not everyone wants to make the effort and it gets crazy when jazz then becomes involved.....
now uve learnt that not every deaconess is ordained of God.........guess u'd be wiser next time....
as for me, i am taking my time with this marriage thing, when im sure i understand its beyond snagging an eligible and showing off on the day, i'd marry (pls pass this on to my mum....lol)

Mogaji said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mogaji said...

Okay sorry, but I find your upbeat tone is much too upbeat. So far you only know who the bloggers are, but you don't know whom their partners might be. Many people think long hard about their marriage and take all the steps accordingly and still end up in bad situations. And I have seen many responsible females who seem to have highly functional brains make ridiculous. Bottom line it's not a science, you never know if you'll get it right.

Moreover, I don't think dating and all the other steps required before marriage is a good indicator of how the person would be as a partner because people are volatile creatures. The concept of tying a person down to one promise and one life goes directly against human nature.

Artsville said...

Lol. I will tamper justice with mercy then so you don't break,Mr. Fragile.
'It occurs to me now that she was not as determined to enjoy her marriage'.

Isn't the above sentence rather unfair, because she chose to enjoy her wedding, would you have felt better had she not put in alot of effort into the wedding?

Relationships are hardwork as everyone has agreed here and in marriage, you don't really know what you will get until you are in, and people usually react to disappointments differently. So you didn't get sex on demand? Do you what she didn't get?
She turned to jazz, while I will condemn this outrightly,I would also say that people are not evil necessarily because they do evil things. She may have turned to jazz hoping that that would keep you and make the marriage work, Is that in itself not a good thing; that she wanted to try albeit using terrible means?

Mogaji is soooo right. Marriage isn't science, there's no formula, one just keeps trying until you get it right or at least close to right.

So you never know, if you had stuck, maybe after jazz, wifey may have tried the sex on demand.lol.

Jinta said...

~ funms ~ words of wisdom - 'not all deaconesses are ordained of God'. no next time for me, thanks. as for you, i beg, take your time and i will have a word with your mum

~ mogaji ~ lol. you managed to sound positive and negative at the same time.

someone said that 'a man marries hoping the woman does not change but she changes and a woman marries hoping the man does change, but he does not...'

how true that is, i do not know. what i do know, though, is that the indicators are always there, we just think love conquers all

i also agree with tying 2 people down to 1 life and 1 promise being against human nature. what then do we do?

~ artsville ~ maybe after jazz, i would have been meat for the witches.

seriously though, i dont believe there are outside forces that can help relationships. it has to come from within and those relationships that do work are a result of untold sacrifices

Naijalines said...

Hmmm...the voice of reason.

This jazz thing with naija people sha, na wa o. But you know the men do it too.

One criticism though...it takes two to 'work' a marriage for success. I notice you point only to the females in your discussion of whose marriages may fare well.

What about male bloggers who also reflect on the issue of marriage...like Tobenna?

fantasy queen said...

i've always said marriages are underated...its the wedding we're all blinded with.

every girls dream is to have a fairytale wedding. thats all our minds think of, the dress, the prince, the shoes, the cake, the wine....we're not programmed to go beyond that in details, cos after the dream wedding all we think about is 'and we'll live happily ever after'
unfortunately, that remark blots out the years between ever after and reality, the little bits and pieces that cause tears, laughter, pain, and joy inbetween...the moments when we have to compromise because suddenly its no longer about you and you alone.

maybe if we sat down to consider all that, there'd be less divorces as we're well prepared for not only the wedding but the marriage itself.

Naijalines said...

"seriously though, I dont believe there are outside forces that can help relationships. it has to come from within and those relationships that do work are a result of untold sacrifices"

Word! A lot of OUR people would do well to REMEMBER that!

Conversely bro, I don't think outside forces can ruin relationships either except the couple in question allow it to happen.

wordmerchant said...

big smooches for jinta-you know what they're for!

Ok..now a proper comment.

Marriage nowadays don't last for many reasons, expectations are too high and some people go into marriage thinking its all about fairy tales..the reality becomes a huge shock. Fights erupt, resentment sets in, and the lawyers are summoned. Sad
However there are others that go ito marrige with unbreakable bonds that no amount of fights and quarrels can break. Its all about being able to ride it out and actually really loving the person..beyond your greatest imagination.

As per the jazzing issue...thats just plain scary and wrong on all levels.

Ok..i have finised preaching.

Jinta said...

~ naijalines ~ i agree that men as well indulge in jazz and my examples look at women. i write this from a man's and, of course, a personal perspective

unfortunately, i dont know tobenna's work (my loss). i will go take a look

relationships, as with everything else, are built (and ruined) from within. outside forces only act as a catalyst, i agree


~ FQ ~ you're right as usual. that is why i feel it is important for more parents to let their children know that marriage is not a bed of roses.

Jinta said...

~ wordmerchant ~ thanks for the smooch. i will never again clean my mouth in order to retain the feeling (ugh! now that sounds nasty)

i believe you're right in that these relationships start to break apart when fairy tale becomes the reality of scary tale

The Indecent One..... said...

lmao @ imports Jazz...Jinta u so silly!

Sha said...

LOL
i am still laughing sef...


but ure right sha, but then again,dnt blame d parents, ppl shd EDUMACATE themselves these days, take ur time, buy books, speak to ppl in sucessful marriages, open ya eyes, shine ya eyes well well and pray...lol

i guess ure still bitter abt urs, but im ready whenever u are hun :-D

princesa said...

You put it well Jinta.
Hmmm, i need to think more about this whole marriage thingy o!

But how come u no include my name for that post na?
(walks off with an angry huff)

Scarlet said...

true a lot of people get caught up the wedding stuff forgetting that marriage is more to it than that.
Its best to keeps ones head firml on and not get carried away with fairy tales!

darkelcee said...

lol@Princesa. Very soon your name will be mentioned.

But trully Jinta.......Marriage is not easy at all. I have had to call up "the man" like 3 times to say lets just find our square roots and go our separate ways but i later counselled myself still continued.

All these wedding day dances are sometimes pretense or they are perfecting their art of dancing. Yes they are happy but deep inside their heart....different thoughts are flashing.

As a proper yoruba girl , i still believe a lot lies with the woman to make the marriage work. i totally support the post done by writefreak in her other blog on submission to your hubby. It is actually not easy at all but if a woman is determined to have a home (note not a HOUSE) then she needs to submit.

Jinta, i pray that you find true love and wifey comes back but you too have a role to play in the marriage. i hope you know that? Bible says you must LOVE your wife as Christ loves the church (review the depth of christ love and see if you have done 50% of it)

i have 10 more days to go and i am still a bit blank. lol

In all ko easy but na God dey help person!

SHE said...

If your point is that the whole ceremony is overrated, i agree with you.
It can be very hard to co-habit with your immediate family members at times, not to talk of someone you met after you'd formed all your habits, good and bad.
But there's also a lot of pressure from the society! so what is a person to do?

Maybe you should meet the jazz halfway with stronger counter-jazz?

Jinta said...

~ inde ~ my middle name

~ sha ~ never was bitter, never will be, dont have the energy. my eyes are just open wider, that's all. you find that all that glitters may be GL

~ princesa ~ i beg, no vex. had to stop myself somewhere so i dont include the whole blogroll

~ scarlet ~ marriage should only be for thinking people, not fantasy grabbers

~ darkelcee ~ my mother's namesake. oya! quick time, withdraw your prayer. wifey comes back ke? you wan' kill me off? nna, i'm not looking o, make i just maintain like this.

10 days to go and you did not invite me? that's it! our friendship is over. make sure you post pictures o, and God bless the marriage

~ she ~ it's all about compromising, i suppose.

in that case, i will become the jazzman.

SECRET DIARY said...

Aboki, make you vote for me for winner of The Worthless & Meaningless Naija Bloggers Award (a.k.a Backlink Generator). I go give you flenty, flenty contract to build internet super expressway.

Nefertiti said...

Jazz ke? That's very disturbing. Whenever awon 'special forces' come into the picture, it's something else.

I think most of my sentiments have already been echoed. It does take work. From man and woman. I just did a post to my single sistas (Well now my last post) about the realities of marriage and how different it is from a Wedding. I read somewhere, u said there won't be a next time for you. Lol. God is not through with you yet my friend. You underestimate what he's able to do ;-) Na here I go dey.

Woomie O! said...

hmmm...marriage...I keep wondering if I can do it...
you're never truly ready...
Jinta, will you ever try again???

Jinta said...

~ secret diary ~ ok. looking forward to the contracts. i believe i need to work hard to have a big belly

~ nefertiti ~ lol at special forces. never heard of that.

i patiently await what God has in store for me, however, since he can read my mind, he knows i cannot cope with another jazz festival

~ woomie ~ of course you can do it. its the sweetest thing when done properly (so they tell me)

to answer your question: no.

Omosewa said...

Who is this person who knows me so well?? My hubby is in 'trouble', i'll suffocate him with love:D

Jintadearest, maybe if you look at your ex-iyawos actions from a different angle you wouldn't be so upset? Maybe she loved you SO much and didn't want to lose you, so she went that route?? Dont blame me, it's the Longman book i just read (Weekend flame), her husband forgave her, i was shocked. So maybe you should see it that way? I have a feeling you wont agree.LOL

Marriage and babies are in, but i have not caught the bug yet.

You know that even if i closed my blog to the whole wide world, you would definitely get an invite. I cant keep up for now. Go and look at weddding webbies, i just posted some cute couples...lol(and think only good thoughts) I was thinking "who died again", when i saw your title!

Jinta said...

~ 'sewa ~ much as i love you, i must request you get rid of that Longman book. which kin' one be that?

Jay Girl said...

Wish we could hear her side of the story oh

Mogaji said...

@ jay girl I concur jare we need to go all sherlock holmes and find this woman. maybe she has a blog... mmm...

Omosewa said...

Lmaooo*faints*

Love conquers all, ya know...

Oyin said...

sheesh...cant wait until Im married....

tobenna said...

Me too, me too.
Happily ever after, I mean.
Ah ah.

miz-cynic said...

jinta.....i wont tell lies im terrified of marriage. i was engaged,i broke up this engagement cos i was having cold feet....and just mayb cos i didnt think i loved ther guy enuff.....im trying to get two ingredients tht i think will help my marriage.....someone who understands me,someone who loves me die,someone who is God fearing and someone who is patient.I on the uther hand want to marry someone i love die,someone who inspires me,someone whom i respect without having to try,someone whom i can be submissive to without feeling enslaved.then Lots of Blessing from God.
about ur marriage,frankly......take responsibility for 50%...and tht is even if we are assuming she was the monster o...cos if she was at least u opened ur eye too and married her...and u also were more in love with the euphoria of being married than knowing her well enuff....aftall...its basic principles......who marries someone "capable" of turning to jazz.....thts extreme.....in ur subconsious...didnt u ever feel she was not has God-fearing as u thot...rily!rily!....if its cos she's cele or all other white garment curches tht u are insinuating this....u knew tht before u married her...and mayb she would have done well to marry her kind.

anyways.......i think its too cynical of u to say u will never try marriage again cos of it....weouldnt u even try ....if only to tell urself as u are telling us now that u are capable of also working to make a marriage work....challenging urself...of course this time with the right person

joicee said...

Very interesting and true as well ...many people concentrate on the wedding day rather than the marriage itself....

Wow....a church deaconness dealing in Jazz...I guess wonders shall never cease.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

don't mind Omosewa oh - the new Madam Private.

"a lot of our parents fail in educating us properly about them,"

That is part of the problem, you know. It is more important to have a happy and fulfilling marriage than to have a large society wedding. But, that is just my opinion.

There are many healthy marriages in Nigeria and everywhere. We all have to take notes so we can learn.

Anyway, nice post and I am glad you acknowledged your own shortcomings in this piece. It is never easy to be so frank and brave.

Take care, Jintus and come back to Nigerian Curiosity to share your thoughts on the possibility of Yar'Adua's son becoming Nigeria's next Central Bank governor.

Jinta said...

~ jay girl ~ lol, fortunately this is not that sort of forum where 'he said' and 'she said'; i only expressed marriage from my perspective and experiences but not judgement

~ mogaji ~ bet you there are some people already doing the sherlock thing

~ 'sewa ~ love does not conquer that Longman book o.

~ oyin ~ your experience will be nice, never mind mine

~ tobenna ~ dont let my doomsday experiences put you off.

someone recommended your blog to me, will be there soon.

~ miz-cynic ~ lol, that was a post in itself.

no, she was not cele but baptist, and no, i was not condemning her, only expressing my view. the post was on weddings, marriage and my take on the aftermath.

not sure she 'turned' to jazz, i think it was there all along but well hidden.

as for your marriage, you got it right when you said you'd look for a God-fearing man who you could be submissive to without feeling enslaved. that says it all

for me, no thanks. been there, and more importantly, i know the truth. my eyes are open and my being could not survive another such battering. for those who would shout 'chicken', coward and what not, i say they are right and then what!?

pink-satin said...

I am so scared of marriage!even though i fantasize about it all of the time..it is scary!and no one really tells you that marriage requires hardwork and compromise...all you hear is when are you getting married, you are getting old!No one really prepares you for what goes beyond the wedding day!

Thanks for this post Jinta


I didnt realise you were once married

Yes o!omosewa blocked us out of her blog

Jinta said...

~ joicee ~ this world is full of wonders. it was funms who said 'not all deaconesses are ordained of God'

~ ms sydelle ~ you are right about the many successful marriages. when i see people who have been married 50 years and the like, i always gawk at them in amazement

~ pink ~ i think marriage is the hardest contract you can enter into. one needs to be properly prepared

Jaycee said...

Any time I'm on ur blog, I get this feeling that you will soon marry someone who will surprise you...in a good way.

LOL...

Shubby Doo said...

aahhh...jinta...

boorish male wrote a similar post to yours about women focusing on just the wedding and not the marriage...any type of union is hard work

Mogaji said...

@ miz cynic... Lol jinta already tried so I believe he's well informed.
If anyone is going undercover on jinta's ex-spouse hit me up we need to uncover this mystery lol

Buttercup said...

well..it does seem like brides are majorly concerned about the ceremony going smoothly than what comes after..but hey, who am i to say?

i keep hearing and i know that marriage takes hard work and dedication from both sides..

one question..do u see urself getting married again?

p.s. i didnt leave u out of my post, check the previous one..i sent u a mail!

doug said...

It is rather unfortunate how we spend so much effort on the ceremony isnt it? Didnt know about your marriage. Don't worry bruv, I'm sure there's still a great chance for a great marriage for you. Just have to make the effort to get it right this time. And pray. That always helps. Not that I would know anything about marriage/relationships though.lol

doll said...

are u divorced cuz you said my ex

Jinta said...

~ jaycee ~ kai. that puts the fear of God in me. maybe when i'm ready to die?

~ shooby ~ lemme go look for boorish. happy ti know i'm not alone in my thots

~ mogaji ~ no mystery, believe me. just dont like drama

~ buttercup ~ the answer is no, wild horses couldn't drag me. take a look at my avartar.

~ doug ~ i spend my time telling people it wont happen again. having said that, i'm glad in a convoluted way that i tried it

~ doll ~ yes

Bond Girl said...

A lot of 30+ marriages are not without strenuous hiccups (my parents included). Endurance was the watch-word back then. Alas I'm of the "I'm not taking crap" generation and rightly so. I would not for the world endure what my mama did.

Jinta baby few marriages really work. However anyone importing and or accepting imported jazz must be expelled on sight. There is no working around such mess.

I'm still praying for my happily ever after. Decided I want to hve kids and having them in a loving home is a must.

mike said...

i dont like hearing about ex's. brings bad memory. promise to be the first

FFF said...

eh!!!! Jinta, u don't think my own marriage will be happy ever after!!!!!!!! chei! me & u don quarrel complete! no remedy oh. none. lol

anyways, marriage is hard. i had to realise. well, i did know but 4 some reasons it ddnt dawn on me till i actually get into it. n my last post, a time to disfriend, someone asked why ddnt trinity just take a cab home. & i tot abt it. why ddnt i write it dat way. was i trying to create drama just 4 d sake of entertainment? den, i realised, dat n marriage, one person cannot just do what they like. i mean, u can oh. but d result of it will hardly end well 4 d marriage. daz y am sometimes infuriated with chick flicks dat women source their advices from, or even Oprah!!!!! am learning how to be happy wth my imperfect husband. am learning to appreciate more everyday. i sincerely hope we make it 2 d end with much happiness

FFF said...

& pls jinta, don't like ur first experience scar you abt marriage. there r many women out there with good understanding or at least willingness to do right by their husbands

Jinta said...

~ bondy ~ you WILL have your happily ever after, 15 kids and all. lol

~ mike ~ for me too

~ flourishing fire of florida ~ i agree there are nice women out there. i just want to leave them to marry the men who have not had the experience.

lol. the oprah generation is unhelpful, in my opinion. that woman cant even marry her pistol-whipped mongrel, steadman

Ms Sula said...

Jinta... I think you have a harder time forgiving yourself for not seeing the forest for the trees. You need to let it go, darl.

But I understand where you're coming from. Marriage is no joke. I have seen my parents through it (I tend to observe LOTS of stuff) and you should have heard my toast at their 30th. The thing is people have to KNOW themselves before even engaging in any type of relationships. Second, people need to understand that life is NOT a bed of roses... even if it was it would still be filled with thorns. It's the nature of the beast.

Expecting everything to be perfect and stress-free is just believing in Cinderella all over again (Gosh, I cringe at all the bad, idiotic stereotypes passed along through those fairy tales but I digress)

Love is an action verb. People don't realize that the reasons to get married are seldom the reasons people stay married. One needs to figure out if the reasons to stay married are there before getting married.

But you know what? I know you'll get married again. You sound so much like a hopeless romantic. :D

Jinta said...

~ ms sula ~ ahh sula, how right you are. i should have known better

and you're very perceptive, no denying the romantic in me, just that the price to pay is too high to make it attractive

rethots said...

"...a lot of our parents fail in educating us properly..."

Unfortunately, i just may not necessarily agree 'tis particularly our parents fault tho'. I would rather say, too often, in our strive for independence (in life) we enter into relationships with the same mindset.

We forget relationships ought to be based in the principle of interdependence.

Nice Anon said...

While i would say that one has to get to know each other before taking that step but the thing is dating doesn't equate to marriage and living together. I think the longer you date a man the chances of him marrying you dwindles.

Marriage is taking it one day at time and knowing that there would be diffculties along the way. Just like the way life is hard and throws it's curves.

I think the problem is most people think "love" should make everything good. Someone you love should never upset you or do things that annoy you. Which is very false.

Fashinga said...

Hmmm....First time here!!!
Loves it, will be back..
Laters!!!!
F.

Jinta said...

~ rethots ~ i must disagree with you. children learn into adulthood and our parent's, more than teachers, should teach us more in the way of the world. most of them teach us to respect our elders & one another, how to cross the road (remember the green code?), etc, why not help in getting thru marriages?

~ nice anon ~ is there any such person as a nice anon? lol. you will be the first, thankfully

I dont know about it being less likely that a man will marry a woman the longer they date. if you mean that increases the chances of things going wrong if they date for a long time, then the same things will go wrong within the marriage and then they may be stuck in an unhappy relationship with potentially more devastating effects on them and their children.

~fashinga ~ thanks and see you later

brownskinaijachic said...

Enjoyed the story.. I ll def be bac for more

Bunmmy said...

for me he danced while waiting for the money...no money he no show

Doja said...

I dont like brides that dance and dance and dance and look so happy and excited.....it smells of "finally I got someone to marry me"!

wordmerchant said...

jinta darling...how u doing? just checking up on ya.

Bond Girl said...

Jinta 15 kids ke? That's a football team plus bench. No thanx. Are you scarred for life from your unfortunate marriage or are you open to another go round?
On the dance issue- There are just some beats mehn that even you as an invited guest cannot ignore talk less of bride on her 'day of joy'. Let 'em dance o.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Just checking in...

aloted said...

gosh...sad to read that your marriage didnt work...how long was it for?

Omosewa said...

Please update...FOR ME okay? Thanks, mwahh

darkelcee said...

ok where are you?

Bros show face now?

Afronuts said...

Drat...I should be on the list of those with sweet marriages.

But no problemo. U ain't aware.

Sherri said...

that made me smile (sideways)
where u dey?

EXSENO said...

First you have to really be in love with each other. Then you can work through anything.
Staying married is not always an easy task. One of the biggest things to remember if you love each other never go to sleep without saying I love you to each other even if one of you is mad. Sounds stupid but it works. That is if you are really in love.

If not nothing is going to keep you together so it's better not to waste each others time and move on.

pink-satin said...

where r you jinta? :-(

olaoluwatomi said...

lovely post and plenty comments....
just signing my name .......

Mommy said...

Jinta...oh Jinta my love...where art thou?

EXSENO said...

Many people don't seem to realize how very different marriage is from dating.
To many young people that get married soon get a real wake up call when the fun become give and take and twenty-four seven togetherness.

Queen of My Castle said...

I think I am almost afraid to get re-married. It's a lot of hard work.

Anyhoo, how are you? Longest time.

ruthleen said...

Defining marriage in itself is difficult,just last week i was watching Oprah talk about why women want to save thier marriages,its because you are in afamiliar place,but all in all,marriage is a hard thing

Tairebabs said...

Na wa o. This post really made me re-evaluate my reasons for wanting to get married. Although I am not married yet, I have friends who are and lately I have come to understand the true meaning of the expression 'all that glitters is not gold".

What concerned me about reading this post is this:

"..My traditional introduction ceremony took place with a week’s notice when I decided to move to London ...we returned to Nigeria for the engagement/marriage when she was pregnant..."

You see I have learnt in life to take every gist with a pinch of salt and to an extent I feel that if your wife was my sister the fact that she moved in with you, particularly in a foreign country and you guys returned for marriage when she was pregnant makes me wonder if you were also not ready for the marriage. At that stage jazz or no jazz would not have been important.

Whitejack said...

Nice talk, marriage is hard work like anything in life you need to work at it being successful. After reading this, I must say if it did not work out for you does not mean it will not work out for others. They are entitled to being happy and loving every minute of it. It must have been really bad for you because you distributed your love in small portions. Yes go for counselling you need it. You did not marry this girl in full till the bambino was about popping out. Distributing the marriage preparations like an eye drops. Why could you not marry her in full, at once? She probably had to plead with you all the way. Where you broke? May be your ex was saving for her wedding with you and bearing most of the burden (trust London boys the way you guys operate). Women don't want to look ridiculous on their big day hence she complied. In your case the pressures before the marriage must have wrecked it. Don't lie, be honest. She definitely had to dance, it was her day she deserved it. For everyone reading, remember there are two sides to every story. Do not make Marriage sound like a bitter pill to swallow.

Whitejack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mommy said...

Jinta honey, don't you think it's about time you came up with an update? I'm askingf nicely now. :0)

Simi Speaks said...

Heya long time!

the comments are almost as interesting as the post itself. lol

ile oko ile eko!

nothing describes marriage better than that.. nothing..

sorry ladies, the "am not going to take that from any man" mentality wouldnt work. been there done that! Just doesnt work if u want peace. Marriage will test ur deepest weaknesses to the core. that's what makes marriage so hard.

what works for me is this.

A healthy balance of friendship, commitment, PATIENCE, diplomacy, understanding. With GOD been in the very center!

the caveat is that - all these elements take TIME to develop into a healty balance. hence, the hard work!

my 2cents!

guerreiranigeriana said...

...all this time has passed and you haven't updated?!...

...i personally am more interested in the honeymoon:)...i think we have entered into a culture of narcissism which doesn't facilitate working to make marriages work...when people get over themselves enough, then we'll see a new era in love, relationships and marriages...

pink-satin said...

jinta where art thou
miss ya

Naughty Eyes said...

Oh Jinta, Jinta... Where art thou...?

anonymous gal(retired blogger) said...

Jinta i love/miss ur blog. come back even if its 4 goodbyes

EXSENO said...

It's been a long time since I stopped by. Very interesting post.

I think sometimes people don't realize how different it is to be married verses dating or even living together.
There is no perfect marraige but if the two people work at it and are willing to get through those difficult times eventually they will grow as one. It's not always an easy road. There must be first of all communication or no problems will ever get resolved. And believe me somewhere along the way there will have to be forgiveness, for there will be mistakes on both sides.

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prashant said...

There are many healthy marriages in Nigeria and everywhere. We all have to take notes so we can learn.
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4wardnfiaca said...

jinta... i am single and back... let s revisit this marriage issue. maybe a couple of visit on my couch and we can get you ready to propose again...

on a more serious note. as much a i'd like t get married, the idea of it scares me shitless, and the way peope just jum in ad out if it makes the whole institution seem like one big joke.

*but i'm sure we can overcome that... wink*