Friday, 25 January 2008

I knew I was in trouble…

…today Friday, January 25 2008, 8.45pm –

- when I received a text from a young friend’s wife saying: “Uncle Jinta, it’s me, B, please call me back, very urgent”. My phone had rung twice displaying a ‘withheld’ number which I never answer unless in a foul mood (and though still in the office, my mood was not foul, after all, it’s a Friday). I consider if you really want to speak with me, you will display your number. Then it rang twice again, displaying a number I did not know. Call me bizarre but if I don’t know your number, I still do not answer the phone unless my mood is dark. I keep all numbers: friend, foe, antagonist, ex-wife, beast, lover, ex-wife’s lover, the wife of ex-wife's lover, assassin, just so I know who to avoid and those I would really like to speak to, etc. I’m also paranoid about taking unknown calls, thanks largely to trauma, which is another story entirely; but I digress.

I had not been in the office all day and got in at 6pm to catch up with my paperwork, respond to e-mails and listen to my phone messages. When I saw the text, I had a premonition that it would serve as a disruption to my Friday beer drinking, but because B is someone I like, I called her back…

“Thanks for calling me back, I could not think of anyone else to call”. I said: before you go on, I do not like surprises – you know my ticker’s weak from the continuous battle with my lovely ex wife who’s determined to clean me out if she can’t kill me with jazz, heart attack or high blood pressure – and I do not like bad news. If anyone’s dead, go bury them, I don’t need to know who it is and if you want me to contribute to buying a coffin, heck, I’ll even pay for the entire coffin and all arrangements, just please don’t spoil my Friday.

“No, no, it’s not that. You know Mr. A was due to return to Nigeria at 12 noon today, he was not allowed to board the aircraft and was arrested at the airport. His wife just made a frantic call to me from Lagos. I tried to call W (my husband) but his phone’s off”. Which airport? “I don’t know”. Why was he arrested? “Oh, his wife wasn’t too clear, but it appears he had a knife and a fork hidden in his belt, he was informed that he has to go to court”. A knife and a what…? Hidden where…?

Now, I had met Mr A, W’s uncle a couple of times on his 9 day trip to London. He appears to me to be a responsible middle-aged very slightly built gentleman who is an engineer in one of the bigger private companies in Nigeria. We even had a Star Lager swigging, marinated chicken and Kebab scoffing send-off for him last night at the Gold Coast Bar and Restaurant, a Ghanaian concern which is local to me at home and at work in South Norwood. I like him. I promised to visit him on my next trip home and he, in turn, promised to exact revenge for me getting him drunk.

This does not make sense; do you see why I do not like surprises? Right now, I’m still thinking of how it concerns me and I have concluded that, whatever happens, W has to come out of hibernation before any movement. I’m literally on my way out the door to do my Friday thing, will be meeting friends at Mahogany something or the other in Lea Bridge Road.

53 comments:

Omosewa said...

Lmao, you're so weird. And, im trying to understand why the Mr had knife and fork in his belt abi pant, lmao. Maybe he doesnt like using plastic?? Abi worrahell??

Honestly, abeg dont bother yourself. Hope you had fun, and was it your ex-wife you dissed in that one post about smelling darkness something something mother of a daughter something...? LOL, me and my big mouth, i know:D

Have a lovely lovely weekend sha.

30+ said...
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30+ said...

Fork and Knife under belt! Is that the new bling to hol your belt in place.

About your ex wife, baba God is in control so no shakin.

little miss me said...

lol! i can't even begin to mention all the things that came to my mind when i read 'fork and knife in his belt'..
not in his pocket, nor in his briefcase,not even in his wallet..in his belt?? fork and knife??

lmao!!
hahaha!!

Aladura said...

Quoting Jinta:
"If anyone’s dead, go bury them, I don’t need to know who it is and if you want me to contribute to buying a coffin, heck, I’ll even pay for the entire coffin and all arrangements, just please don’t spoil my Friday."

I think you are terrible and can be unpredictably nasty. Above all, you are too 'innocently' funny.

'Knife and fork' - it reminds me of the 'blouse and skirt' comedy series.

Jaycee said...

lollll...

Jaycee said...

when u said fork and knife I thought terrorist!!!!

But surely he must be innocent...lol.

pamelastitch said...

I missed the ex wife story - I need to go back and reread o.

About the friend: Na wetin..what is going on?

I think the question really is if you should get involved: It depends on how close you were with the person, I believe. But, you might need to know the complete story rather than hear say.


PS: so jazz means juju.

EXSENO said...

If he had an innocent reason for having the knife and fork, he'll explain, be fine and on the next plane. If it's not so innocent, and you become involved, they'll tag you for being involved with him.

May be best if you go have that beer and leave this man to take care of his own business, especially if he is
just an acquaintance. There may be much you don't know about him.

For the love of me said...

Too many questions, this post had better have a part two. what on earth was he doing with fork and knife?

Jinta said...

@ omosewa - did have fun, indeed (and for 'smelling darkness something something', yes, you and your mouth)lol

@ 30+ - new one to me, this bling belt
how are you?

@ little ms - when i was told, my brain stopped functioning for a second. still trying to unravel it when being discussed, but none the clearer

@ aladura - nasty is not one of the words i've been described as, however i take your point in that i will always express my feelings to my friends, rather than say what they want to hear.
thank you for yours, anyway

@ jaycee - innocent, he must be. the man is less than 5' tall and very tiny. adds to my surprise

@ pammy - since the complete story still eludes me, i opted for beer friday

@ exseno - words of wisdom, enough times i found myself in trouble trying to solve other's problems

Jinta said...

@ for the love - part 2 will be provided when it unfolds. i'm as confused as you seem to be...

Shannon said...

Hi, caught your blog through a string of other blog's and thought I would say something instead of just lurking!
I was recently caught "concealing" (their word- not mine) lotion in my carry-on bag. I was wanded head to toe, and my bag was emptied onto the table and searched. I can't imagine the treatment I would have gotten if I had done that with a knife and fork here!

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

Myself and airport authorities...
that's how they threw away almost a $100.00 worth of creams and lotions that i had bought from Bath and Body works and put in my hand luggage so that I would not go over teh limit.

I think the guy was just tired of chasing his piece of chicken all over the plane with a plastic fork. Or someone had threatened his life and in that case, I think he can qualify for asylum (political and health)....

Afrobabe said...

LMAO...maybe he wanted proper fork and knife for the aircraft meal...

Allied said...

Maybe the man wants to eat with his own personal cutlery on board...

Aladura said...

The word 'nasty' was never intended as an offence - same as you would call an object 'wicked'.

The story is a classic. It should be edited, printed out and framed.

Onome said...

eyaaaaa...na wa o!!! na only God know ooo!

anonymous gal said...

in his were? in still confused.

Jinta said...

@ shannon - you're right. your airport authorities are a lot tougher now, it used to be fun going to the us.
dont 'lurk', keep commenting pls

@ cat - how many times have i told you not to take liquids into aircraft? heh?

@ afro - have they started serving amala on aircraft?

@ allied - maybe, but i sure would like to know the facts of this matter o

@ aladura - no offence was taken, trust me, and thanks for the compliment, you're going to increase the size of my head

@ onome - i did write once that you're very expressive. 'eyaaaaa', it is

@ anon gal - me too o, court date soon, so i should know beta

Afrobabe said...

LMAO...if na amala he wouldn't have taken fork and knife now...he practiced with chicken and rice....lol...

Nicky said...

Thats your problem! you called B back because you like her! you like females too much and thats what gets your butt into trouble...
Will you ever learn?
Plus, I remind you that helping him would have been contrary to your new years resolutions.... Your too much of an easy target, sucessful, handsome, self employed. Hey come to think of it Jinta darling ... I need a loan....

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

I am very sorry sir....

pamelastitch said...

maybe he wanted his own cutleries....
hehehehehee

Rayo said...

Everybody is asking "ah ah, why fork and knife?"

My theory is that he planned on using them during the flight to feast on the whole rotisserie chicken he had in his carry-on luggage.

Jinta said...

@ afro - you're probably right. maybe he thot the chicken would be running around live in the plane and wanted to use the fork to spear it down and the knife to cut it? what am i saying? i like that man!

@ nicky - your point is taken. there's a gay club called market tavern near vauxhall. i think i'll go there and see what it's like batting for the other side

enough already about all these 'handsome' stuff. ok, i like me, but if i dont, who will?

@ catwalq - that's beta...

@ pammy - i want to find out as much as anyone here

@ rayo - remind me to find out if he had chicken in his luggage.

you guys are a bad influence - i do like this man

Sha said...
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Sha said...

LMAO... ARE U SERIOUS? damn. have they released him yet? Those people aint playing @ all..


and ure rite, the heart of man is very wicked oh.. God help us all.. mwah!

Isi said...

i think its time we approach nollywood, they'd kill to have the ex-wifey story... don't worry i'll get a competent director.
ini edo would play wifey (for no other reason except she is a good actor o!), and i'll suggest segun arinze to cast as jinta. WE could make alot of money; what do u think!

Queen of My Castle said...

LMAO!!! I just could not stop reading and re-reading A knife and a what…? Hidden where…?. That was hilarious. I actually feel sorry for the old guy, but I can't stop laughing.

As for the divorce, hell, what advise can I give you, as I am going through the same thing.

Jinta said...

@ sha - they have not released him o, still waiting for an update

@ isi, fine girl - how are you?

there's a film just waiting to be produced in all of our lives, I suppose. sadly, most people come to the realization too late, and luckily, i caught mine on time.

@ QomC - me too, having met the guy previously, i like him but cant help seeing the funny side of his misfortune.

good luck with yours

antipop said...

guy has probably fantasised about slicing and eating own pe**s in the air. did not want to disturb the attendants for cutlery. i say prudence dictates he be set free to carry out his wishes.

tx for droppin by. u r a funny guy

Nyemoni said...

Knife and Fork for what now? Is this for real...and your ex is trying to kill you too....God save us...I need to back up and investigate this ex-wife matter...Take care...

!*!*!*!*!Fresh and Fab!*!*!*!*! said...

fork and knife, wtf...weirdo
is there any possible part 2

Jinta said...

@ antipop - another dimensu=ion entirly. you make me cringe and cover my 'in front' with both hands

@ nyemoni - long time.
it is for real o, and God be with us all...

@ fresh - as soon as i get an update, i will do a part II. watch this space, as they say

Afrobabe said...

Jinta....come and see what Isi has posted oh......she dey find trouble...lol..

Jinta said...

i don see am o...

when trouble sleep
yanga go wake am
wetin e dey find?
palaver...e dey find..

Isi said...

heeyyyyy! ehen?!!!! is that what goes on behind my back?

oya, u jinta just come, stand behind me....

afrobabe! ehen wetin u dey talk? is it not true? see ur lingerie.
come o, looking at it closely, it looks like something i once had. u sure say u no tiff am from me! lol!!!!

and jinta, is it not true? see all d babes wey dey greet u every day?

abeg come over and receive ur awards jare!
then later we'll discuss on the price of the plaq.
lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Afrobabe said...

hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaa...Isi, can't I do amebo in peace again.....see how she appeared...

That lingerie that I saved for one whole yr to buy...ur own kuh....

Ms. emmotions said...

fork and knife? a nut case maybe?

hey dude,
waiting for the update this one o

Jinta said...

ms emmo - update coming soon - promise

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

uncle, it is february o....just checking

Rayo said...

Reminder: Don't forget to ask him if he had chicken in his luggage.

Jinta said...

@ cat - i know o, but unless i spring him from prison in sutton where he's been transferred to, i have to wait for events to unfold. hey! you are tough

@ rayo - did i mention you guys are mean? ok, i will ask about the chicken.
waitaminitt!! would this be live chicken or roasted??

Rayo said...

Lol Mean? Us? Never!!

Hmm...good question....

Second Reminder: Ask them whether they found a live or roasted chicken when they looked through his luggage. By the looks of it, he seems like a daring man so I'll say that it was live.

Omosewa said...

Ahn ahn, i've been stalking your page now...update pls!

Have a blessed week!

Rinsola said...

what can his fork and knife do? asides him using it for food. But in his pants?(he no fear?). As per your ex-wife, it is well. Update pleaseeeeeeeee

Sherri said...

sympatico! lol
that is, to the authorities.

how u dey?

ex-wife and jazz?

(singing ebenezer obey)
satan shame onto u o
all power belong to Jesus
shame onto u o.....

Anu boy said...

Lol... very simple, the man was not ready to use the planes miserable plastic cutlery... he wanted something that could dig deep into the food oh....

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

lol

I won't lie, I think this mess is funny. fork and knife belt, ke? Well, i wish your friend the best. When he solves this probem, he should educate the rest of us on how not to get into such trouble.

I see babes just dey chase you for your blog. Na wa for you, oh, Mr. Jinta. lol.

Later!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

ooooh, I was #50! What's my prize?????

Queen of My Castle said...

Sir Jinta, will you please please please update? *In my most sweet and innocent voice!

Jinta said...

@ rayo - why would he need a fork and knife for live chicken? yes! we decided: the fork to spear it and the knife for slaughter

@ omosewa - since you request so forcefully, i suppose i have to

have a nice one too

@ rinsola - update dey come o, just haven't had time in the last couple of days

i'm coming over

@ sherri - thank you and i'm fine jare. how have you been?


@ anu boy - fear catch me too o, i never heard of such a thing

@ solomon - i alternate between seeing the hilarity of it all and feeling sorry for him.

where have you been?

@ QomC - since you ask so nicely...it will be posted before i go to bed tonight - but then, i will blame you for my red eye tomorrow