Tuesday, 5 February 2008

How Not To Get Into Trouble

I had wanted to update the ‘I knew I was in Trouble’ post for a couple of days now but could muster neither the physical nor mental capacity; what with spending my working day chatting, driving, atimes dealing with the obnoxious, telephoning and sometimes actually working, the evenings are a sort of recuperative wind-down-in-front-of a news, sports or nature channel before bed. Except for most Fridays. And Saturdays.

I ‘listened’ to the comments on that post and found them to be wise counsel, so I limited my involvement.

Mr A was arraigned at Uxbridge magistrates’ court on the Monday of last week and, though he had some friends present as well as legal counsel (who thought it prudent to allow the state-appointed solicitor to continue with the case), was not granted bail because when coming into the UK, he had stated to the immigration authorities he would be staying in a hotel – thus, no fixed abode. So off to Sutton prison he went and was assigned a prisoner number (I never even knew there was a prison at Sutton).

By the time the case came up last Friday, the prosecutor had Mr A’s life on paper – educational institutions he attended (in Nigeria!), age (52), employment details, everything. It was instructive that she (prosecutor) tacitly acknowledged that he was not suspected of being a terrorist but someone who made a stupid mistake, and the law had to take it’s course.

Mr A, on a trip to the Philippines last year, had purchased the offending belt because he thought it was ‘funky’, looked young and was ideal to hold up his jeans. Unfortunately for him, it was a survival belt with a knife, fork, tin opener, nail clipper, lighter, torchlight, pen, etc; you know the type, bona fide James Bond material. The only things it did not have were toilet paper and WMD. Sadly, one of his friends who’s been here 14 years had seen him retrieve a ‘weapon’ from the belt days before his depature, commented on the belt being unusual and Mr A responded that it was his ‘travelling belt’, yet did not have the sense to point out the inherent danger.

The judge found him guilty, sentenced him to the minimum 14 days in prison and released him as he had spent the mandatory half (7 days). He left for Lagos the same day.

I called him last night to commiserate and offer my sorrow, if only he knew my blog friends had instructed me to ask if he wanted the cutlery for live chicken and amala. He seemed happy but said: emu London yin dani o, eni rimi nibe mo (hold on to your London, you will never see me there again).

61 comments:

Doja said...

I do not mean to offend but this story is just hilarious.
I am trying very hard to feel sorry for him but it is more humourous than sorrowful! He is lucky it was not JFK might have been sent to guantanamo.

Allied said...

i am happy it ended well albeit spending 14 days in jail..

puzzled by your comment on my blog.. i felt you left me hanging

Jinta said...

@ doja - i agree with you, totally. still can't think about it without a grin on my face

@ allied - you see too clearly, my strong friend, way too clearly. you're right. i deleted the end

Afrobabe said...

hahhahahahah...lol..I am happy he is ok oh...we thank God for little mercies...

Did you ever get to ask him what he wanted to use the knife for??? I don't buy that he didn't have any plans for it

Omosewa said...

LOL@ hold your London, eni eleni.

Aladura said...

'emu London yin dani o, eni rimi nibe mo (hold on to your London, you will never see me there again).'

Just damn too hilarious. Tears in my eyes. I am not sure he gets the point. He thinks he has been 'victimised for no reason'.

Thanks for the update, which I had checked for everyday.

You need to do something about this story. When next you go to Nigeria take some pictures of him for us, and ask questions. Poor Guy!!!

Jinta said...

@ afro - i should be asking him when next i see him. i think he'll open up then and will be able to see the funny side

@ omosewa - eni eleni, indeed. he must feel he just escaped from a lion's den. i could hear the relief in his voice that he was finally enjoying the 'freedom' of lagos

@ aladura - dont know abt the pictures o, copyright and all, but i think i might just take one from the back view

Nicky said...

I feel quite sad for the guy now. You didn’t make the situation sound as grave as it really was. Your post was beer drinking vs. helping knife and fork wielding man on friday night....

He could make some money now from publicity. He could contact the local paper, the headline will read.."MY KNIFE AND FORK HELL"...

Mommy said...

Wow first time here and I'm loving it. Came over from Isi's to see this sweet guy everyone's talking about ;0)

Well...I laughed real good at this man's 'trauma' but felt bad doing that until I read your previous post and all fifty something people's comment. The laughter became uncontrollable...Poor guy!

oh...am I glad I made first ten :0)

Cheers!

Queen of My Castle said...

LMAO!!! I am sitting here trying to stiffle my laughter because it makes me feel so guilty, but I can't. It sounds like a scene from some silly comedy flick. Poor guy, I'm glad he's better now, and I hate that he won't travel there again. Gosh, if he was in Houston Intercontinental he prolly would have been searched by the National Guards, had his bags swiped for bomb residue, and had to strip butt booty naked to make sure he wasn't hiding anything anywhere else.

Pink-satin said...

lmao-eyah..poor guy..

Jinta said...

@ nicky - the headline could also have been 'my belt and i'. i dont like grave situations, so i try not to present any as such

@ mommy - glad you enjoyed it and honoured you stopped by. seen you walking down the street a couple of times, will hola next time

@ QomC - you just added another dimension to my thots. how can i be sure he wasn't searched 'properly' and poked in all 'them' places?

@ pink - least is, he'll have stories to tell his grand kids

Jaycee said...

Lol. So he never wants to come back to London. This story is supposed to be sad, but it is sooooo HILARIOUS!!! He he...

Jinta said...

@ jaycee - not so sure they will even let him in, have to find out about that too

Rayo said...

LMAO!! So you didn't even follow my simple request to ask him about the chicken???

I actually feel bad for the poor guy. 14 days in jail because he wanted to feel 'funky'...aww

TheAfroBeat said...

Wooow! what an adventure for the poor man, but he seems like the type who'll turn it into a fun story over a pint; don't blame him for not wanting to step foot in the UK ever again though!

TheAfroBeat said...

@ Doja, right on the money! JFK officials would not have wasted time with any trials of the sort.

anonymous gal said...

hahagha. o my. had to read the whole thing over and over im laffin so hard.the poor guy. gosh i feel so sorry 4 him.

Isi said...

wait o! is this for real? the guy 'almost' went to jail because of a freaking funky belt?!!!!
i've got bracelets with tiny knives...pins...screws...
does that mean i get arrested?

Allied said...

ok?.. so is the end?

EXSENO said...

He was very lucky.

Jinta said...

@ rayo - the guy's been thru' a lot, could not unleash your questions on him, at least, not yet

@ afrobeat - got to be taken in his stride lest he suffer from depression. i suppose he ought to thank his stars he did not end up at jfk or QomC's houston

@ anon gal - thankfully, he sounded happy when i spoke to him. that reduced my guilt somewhat

@ isi, fine girl - i suggest you read the comments left by doja, QomC and afrobeat. those americans are really wild now o. they used to be so nice, but my presonal experience passing thru' security now drives me to believe it will be easier getting past angel gabriel than the us officials

@ allied - the end thought the post was more. wanted to see thru' your eyes. thot it too personal to put down.

@ exseno - very lucky indeed

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

I wish I could laugh but I am too weak to. Recovering you see. happy for the guy though. eyah. poor daddy. all he wanted to was bubble and now he is a terrorist.

Jinta said...

@ cat - oya, confess, recovering from what?

it's true o, i believe he's now a low value terrorist, as they describe them in gitmo

30+ said...

O pari pasu BUHAAAAAHHHHHH eh ya.

Abi am I not suppose to laugh sorry but bbbbbuaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.

Just iamgine he now has prison sentence on his file because of a poxy belt.

Anu boy said...

omo... na wa oh, poor fellow, and we don laugh the guy since....

but wait, the guy sef know say him get such weapons and him no de fear, he still wore the belt...

omo, when they do not even accept plastic forks and knives on planes, my guy de carry the metal ones...

lol...

somehow, he asked for it

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Okay, people make mistakes and given that his history indicated he was not a security threat, the Judge should have cut him a break and not created a 'record' for a 52 year old man!

That being said, it still was a funny story. And, I hope that bobo throws that troublesome belt away. Or, he could frame it. It could be a great conversation piece.

Omosewa said...

Jintaaaaaaaaaaa, did you even click on the said website?? LOL.

Have a nice weekend...*hug*

Jinta said...

@ 30+ - all in the name of fashion

@ anu boy - didn't he just learn the hard way? poor guy

@ solo - i think it's one of those cases where the law is an ass: he did the 'crime', had to serve the time

@ sewa - o ye of little faith, i did look at the website o. indeed spent a long time there looking at the bride chasing swans and the guy straining his sinews to carry her bulk in front of nelson's column.

and i loved the concept and how it was constructed, however, if they had asked me, i would have said no, having learned from experience to limit your 'exposure' to the world.

you owe me iyan the day we meet

Sha said...

LMAOOOOOOOOOO
sorry i had to laf.. damn well thank God it was only 14days..aiye belt o ni da... LOL

Jinta said...

@ sha - amin

Omosewa said...

I agree with "limiting exposure", even with my weird love for wedding websites, there's no way im having one,this is assuming i find someone to marry me ni oo, lmao...

Okay, i'll go learn how to 'ro' iyan, cause i have no clue, i heard u can use the microwave? lol.

I can make eba sha...lol

Have a nice week!!

little miss me said...

lmao survival belt ke?
he should just thank his stars it was the UK if it was the states he would have been in far more trouble

Nyemoni said...

I'm sorry but the post made me laff real good! na wah o! kai! whar kind of belt is that one sha? Thank God he has been released....pele to him o!

Rinsola said...

i'm laffing here. how'r u doing?

N.I.M.M.O said...

Chei! Wetin fashion go cause ehn?

I guess this is what those women magazines call a fashion 'faux pas', not so?

Onome said...

aaaaaawww....dear..so unfair for such a elderly man again...i feel for him....

laspapi said...

where was I? This made me laugh.

The man ended up in prison? He's an ex-con now?

For the love of me said...

update, update, update, update.

Omosewa said...

Happy Valentines day...you're my one and only blogville valentine:D

bumight said...

awww our very own James Bond1
lol! at least he wasnt caught in yankee or something. we'll be talking years not days in prison.

first time here! do I get a first-timer's welcome bag?

Jinta said...

@ sewa - you want to 'ro' iyan, abi? chineke! na 'gun' dem dey 'gun' iyan o. you go 'ro' amala and 'te' eba.

ok. forget abt the iyan - i think we'll stick to jollof or something.

have a nice one too, and happy val day. did you receive the roses i sent?

@ little ms - i agree. i think now he'll think twice before even leaving the shores of nigeria

@ 'moni - he'll write it down to experience. his claim to fame: i spent a few days in a british prison

@ rinsola - i've laughed so much too. my amusement far surpasses my guilt .

i'm well thanks

@ nimmo - right on the button

@ onome - you are nice, truly

@ 'papi - yes, where have you bin?

@ for the love - i will, i promise. this week's more in control of me than i, it

@ bumight - i might have given you a present had i not passed by yours several times already. i will come out of hiding

Simi Speaks said...

oga wa, when are u updating na?

guerreiranigeriana said...

i didn't comment on the first half of the story as i wanted to wait and read the conclusion...what a ridiculous story!!...traveling used to be sooo much fun...now its more a hassle and drag...who can keep up with all the now unsafe materials you can't travel with?...as he is running from london o, he should not set eyes on the us...as people have said, he would have faced serious time...and extra just for being naija...great post...

guerreiranigeriana said...

and this story of your wife...from the last post...na wa o...

...i do like the way you write...something about the tone you use to respond to the comments is very soothing...i'll leave it at that...

anonymous gal said...

hy were u @

Ms. emmotions said...

at least the man can now sit here and enjoy his counrty ......lol

Omosewa said...

I was about to 'yell' Jintaaaaaa

'gun' ke, you want to kill me ni yen.

Yeah, i got them o, very kweet(as in cute), thanks...lol

Florida of Free Spirit said...

rlmao. Kai, i no fit laugh. dis is hilarious. I really feel 4 d man! if only he knew! chei.

Rayo said...

*cough* update *cough*

Ms. emmotions said...

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jinta said...

@ simi - how about now-now?

@ g-nigeriana - something tells me he wont be too excited abt setting foot in the us any time soon.

thank you for the other comment, you are kind. (me, wearing my very modest look)

@ anon gal - right here, anon gal

@ ms emmo - he will view nigeria with appreciably more favourable eyes, i think

@ 'sewa - dont worry, you will survive. and you're welcome for the flowers

@ florida - you feel for this man, but you laughed first. we're all sinners in this one o

@ rayo - benylin or alabukun?

@ ms emmo - ok, ok

Rayo said...

I think I'll go with the Benylin. Thanks for your concern lol

Nine said...

You know,the funny thing is that he probably HAS passed through Customs before wearing that belt.*shakes head*Oyibo na wa o.

U should ask him if what they say about not picking up the soap in prison bathrooms is accurate lol

Honeywell said...

LMAO!

Jinta said...

* rayo - i will prescribe alabukun, anyway. it's bitter. lol at my dry sense of humour

* nine - i hope he did not end up picking up any soap o. the thot of it.....yuk

* honeywell - where's the sympathy for this man? ha. this world is a tough one

Rayo said...

Lol @ your lol @ your dry comment...lol

Why would you want me to take something bitter, shey you want me to suffer ni?

Jinta said...

* rayo - what's a little 'suffer' between friends?

Rayo said...

A lot, when it's me that has to suffer.

In My Own Words said...

Lol. Poor, poor man! These are the days of terrorist awareness. I remember my mum once forgot a tiny knife (she said she used it to peel oranges!!!) in her handbag in the 80s. It was collected at the airport in Lisbon and mailed to her in Naija!

Abbie said...

*dead*
where's that hilariously laughing emoticon when you need it...

This is too dadgum funny!!!!!